Ahhh, empathy. A gift and a curse. Sometimes I think I would give just about anything to be the kind of person who could walk through their day without noticing how people around them are feeling. That’s not a trait I was blessed with. No, I encounter one sad, aggravated, or impatient person and I embody those emotions for… umm… too long to admit, unless I work really hard to avoid it. It’s why I am super selective about who I spend time with and probably also why I love Zach’s usually extremely positive attitude. It does have it’s benefits, I will say. For example, I always know when something is bothering someone and can choose whether or not I want to try to help… just kidding! Ok, no I’m not.
Everyone has missed someone at some point in their life. Me, I feel like I’ve done a lot of it. Growing up I had severe anxiety being away from my mom. I remember my aunt taking me to the park to play while my parents were away one weekend and insisting on bringing a framed picture of my mom in her wedding dress with us. I ended up just sitting there crying most of the time.
Remember how I was posting all kinds of stuff about signs, and focusing on things you love to do no matter how good or bad you are at them? Of course you do, they’re right down there. Well, I wrote all that stuff fully believing in it and the power of manifestation but now I am here to tell you to KEEP BELIEVING, and as Ben Gravy would say KEEP PUSHING FOR THE DREAM.
Yesterday at work I was helping a woman who had her grandson with her for her appointment. He was the sweetest child with the brightest eyes and most genuine, knowing smile. Seeing a well behaved 6-7 year old up in here is kind of rare, so we get excited. I was chatting with him when he came up to me and whispered a “secret” in my ear, and it’s still a secret for me because I have absolutely no clue what he said, but when they were leaving he looked me dead in the eye and told me to “keep making new memories, don’t forget.”
Does anyone else think back on what you thought your life was going to be like when you were older? Maybe you wanted to be a veterinarian, or work for a big company in New York City. Growing up I always had a mental block and couldn’t look past 22 for some reason. Graduating college was this weird black abyss. Then, as I got a little older I just always imagined that I would be sitting in an office somewhere in business casual attire. WTF?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do for work when we move into the van. I’ve been so torn between wanting to do something mindless that has flexible hours so that I can work whenever I have the time, trying to do something that’s my “own,” like selling my art, or trying to find something that might help me later on in life. It seems kind of obvious when I write it out that the last option is the best but it’s also the hardest. I pretty much have no idea what I could do from the road that would help me down the road, and I also feel like I don’t really have enough skills to land a job doing anything that I might be able to think up.
Yesterday I applied to a few jobs that could possibly be good learning experiences for the future, and are also seasonal so it would allow for travel during the fall/spring and a different job in the mountains during the winter. This is really the goal for right now is to have seasonal positions with travel in the shoulder seasons. It still just didn’t really feel right though. Then, last night I was watching a video that Hannah posted on her Instagram story last night about purpose, and finding what your life’s purpose is. It was also about being creative and doing things that bring you joy even if you don’t feel like you’re “good” at it right away.
A picture. A picture on an old external hard drive that I hadn’t plugging into a computer for years. A picture that I never wanted anyone to see. A picture that I was never really okay with having taken, but one that exists none the less. For you, maybe just a really uncomfortable picture to see – but for me it represents years of not really wanting to, of guilt, of feeling like this is just how it has to be.
I’ve never been one to necessarily want to stay up and watch the ball drop at midnight for New Years, but I have always loved the magic that January first brings. It’s kind of like that feeling on a Monday morning, where you have all the good intentions to make the week a great one and everything seems a little more possible than it does on Wednesday afternoon when you’re tired and REEeeally don’t want to get that workout in and would rather just curl up on the couch.
Let me start off by saying – I really hate the end of Daylight Savings Time. As the amount of daylight gets shorter and shorter my brain feels like I somehow have less time to do anything fun and I suddenly find myself in bed by 9pm where I could conceivably still be out surfing that late in mid-July. It hurts. I start to get really stuck into ruts and routines that aren’t helping me and are definitely not helping anyone else in my life.
Wake up, eat breakfast, drive to work.
Do the same damn thing at work all day every day, eat lunch at the same time.
Drive home, work out, eat dinner, sleep.
Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and before you know it you’ve gone the entire winter just drifting aimlessly through your life waiting for those long summer days to come back. All that time just absolutely wasting away with nothing to show for it. Why? Because it’s easy as fuck. How simple is it to wake up, and know that you’re going to do the same exact thing you did yesterday, the day before, the day before that… It takes absolutely no effort – and you get absolutely nothing out of it. “Can’t wait to tell my grandkids how I did the same damn thing at my job for 40 years and then retired,” Said no one. It’s natural. It’s really freaking hard to get yourself to get out of a routine, because human nature is to make things as easy and stable and comfortable as possible. If you’re doing this and needed a wake up call, HELLO – THIS IS IT.
Well, my birthday is almost here again. It’s my 5th without you. It’s one of the hardest days of the year, honestly it’s tougher than your birthday. There’s so many things I wish I could ask you about that day 28 years ago, and about all the birthdays afterwards that I was too young to remember.