Well, my birthday is almost here again. It’s my 5th without you. It’s one of the hardest days of the year, honestly it’s tougher than your birthday. There’s so many things I wish I could ask you about that day 28 years ago, and about all the birthdays afterwards that I was too young to remember.
What was your pregnancy like? Did you have weird cravings? How did you really feel when I came out with bright red hair and two different colored eyes? Seriously, it must have been a little unnerving?! What kind of cake did I have for my first birthday, I hope it was chocolate…also did I demolish it?
Sometimes I miss you so much that I feel like an actually part of my heart is missing and there’s a black void in it’s place. No matter what problems we had or you had, nothing can ever replace you. I forgive you and would forget it all a million times over just to have you back for one more day at the beach and fresh flounder for dinner.
I can’t ever thank you enough for bringing me into this world and for loving me as hard as you did. Thank you for showing me that being outside and around a fire is the best place to be, and that you always have cake for breakfast the day after your birthday. Thank you for celebrating all the little things with me, and for always having one extra candle on the cake for “good luck.” Thank you for always ALWAYS always having something for me for the littlest of holidays, always sending a card, and for making me realize that it’s not the things we have in life that make life worth living – it’s the people we have. Thank you for all the hard lessons but also all the amazing rewards.
I am so sorry that you were hurting, and I love you so much it physically hurts. I can still feel your hug and how I had to bend over because you were such a little tiny midget barbarian bonzai. I can still feel how soft your hair was and the way you could always find something to laugh at. You could also always find something to be mad at but life’s all about balance, right?
I guess some people would say it was God, or just sheer coincidence but I know better. I know some of these things in my life today have come from your doing, and for that I am forever grateful.
Happy Giving Birth Day, Momma. I love you more than words.